TOP SECRET
TO: POTUS
FROM: ROVER
RE: SCOTUS
Out of all the candidates we have looked at, here's why I like Roberts.
He will vote with Scalia on all those votes Scalia lost when Sandra Day O'Connor voted against him. Scalia is just itching to overturn Roe v Wade, school prayer, and flag-burning. Did we find out if Roberts hunts? Can't you just see yourself along with Scalia, Thomas, Cheney and Roberts walking through the woods with your guns? (Don't stand in front of Thomas, though)
He's not a nuanced thinker like O'Connor who seemed to struggle over issues, and who was burdened with seeing both sides. In contrast, Roberts is unconflicted, he's got a clearer handle on our visions, and this is going to become increasingly important as we get deeper into trouble. And you know what I am talking about.
He reminds me of you in so many ways: the strong expressive eyes, the nice suit, the white skin, youthful exuberance, manly good looks, good law school, pert admiring wife in pink, the somewhat mysterious look on his face.
By the way, Ann Coulter thinks he can't dance and probably doesn't know who Jay-Z is, both significant attributes as far as I am concerned.
He is somewhat of a blank slate, but so were you six years ago, and look where we are now. Big plus.
We do know that he opposed clean air rules, supports stripmining, doesn't want doctors to discuss abortion with their patients, and he's not so hot on the Voting Rights Act. But I advise against publicizing any of these positions during the nomination hearings.
As you know, there are all those other things we learned about him from our private talks at Camp David, stuff that no one else knows. Hehe.....
He knows how to deal with kids who are out of control, something you know about too, sir. The way he handled that 12-year old French fry eater is a no-nonsense approach that we admire greatly. And besides, wasn't it fitting that she was eating French food?
He also reminds me of Ken Starr, and he even worked for him!
John Kerry will attack him, just because John Kerry would attack any candidate you nominated, and that's a good thing.
He clerked for Rehnquist, was a member of the Federalist Society, and was a counsel for Ronald Reagan. He had to learn something.
God, he reminds me of you! He even holds his hands in front of him in that cute way you do.
The Family Research Council and the Christian Coalition think he's swell. Rick Santorum and John Cornyn love him. Jim Dobson from Focus on the Family is on board. And all the Christian women's organizations are gaga.
Even Joe Liberman likes him!!
I think your Stetson might fit him.
The guy has given the Washington press corps his cell number and has said "call anytime." They gotta love him, right?
He is the epitome of fair and civil. Everyone says so. And any attack on him will be viewed as an attack on civility itself.
If Harry Reid, Pat Leahy, Ted Kennedy, Chuck Schumer and Dick Durbin stonewall on this guy, they are deadmeat. If Harry Reid, Pat Leahy, Ted Kennedy, Chuck Schumer, and Dick Durbin don't go all out in opposition to him, they are deadmeat. Man, is that a win-win for us, or what?
If the Dems filibuster, the American people will not blame us for using the nuclear option.
Finally, if my little problem ever gets up that far, we probably have a good shot.
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